This Blog Takes A Turn For The Depressing
I usually only publish posts concerning what I have been making without patterns, but today I am doing something a bit different. Bear with me.
I planned on posting more about learning the basics on how to sew, but got sidetracked when the hubby, and I found out we made possibly the coolest thing without a pattern.
A baby.
*I have typed out many drafts for this blog on the subject, and deleted them because I can't for the life of me coherently tell the story*
Around week 6 (my midwife thinks) I miscarried.
I wish I could explain what happened, tell a story, tell my story, but like I said before, I can't figure out how.
What I do want to talk about is the aftermath. After the Dr. visits are over. The bleeding has stopped. The "congratulations" have all dried up. When you have to take a shower, and go to work again. When life goes on. For everybody else.
Almost 20 to 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, most of which occur in the first 12 weeks.
In the first 1-2 weeks there is a 75% chance of miscarriage. It is unlikely that the woman suffering a miscarriage this early will ever know she is pregnant. It may just appear to her to be a heavy period. There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.
In the U.S. there are 4.4 million confirmed miscarriages every year.
*While the stats can differ depending on where you're looking these seem to me to be the general stats.*
With statistics like these chances are likely that you my dear reader has either gone through one, or know someone who has.
If you find yourself saying "I don't know anyone who has miscarried." Please consider this.
Many women chose not to tell anyone of their pregnancy until they have cleared their 3rd month when the chances of miscarriage drop drastically to 3%. Often when a woman has not told anyone of their pregnancy, and have suffered a miscarriage, they will not tell anyone of their loss. Leaving her a victim of loneliness with nobody to talk to.
This is where the statistics end.
With the pregnancy over, a woman in the throws of a deep depression over the loss, is still feeling pregnant. Hormone levels drop slowly, but she still has symptoms for sometime. Cravings, morning sickness...which only exacerbate her grief. She has lost the life she carried, but still feels as if it's inside growing.
During that time if the woman has told people of her pregnancy, friends, and family will lend their support, and offer condolences. It is O.K. for a woman to cry, be sad, and not shower during that time.
I was lucky enough to have been allowed to take a week off work. I could not (and still can't) bear to see newborns, or pregnant women. I cannot stand to hear crying babies, and children right now, and since I work in hospitality, they seem to wander in in droves. My bosses were very understanding, but others not so much. And this is where I try to offer some kind of understanding to a reader who may not understand the loss of an unborn child.
I heard the comments. "She wasn't even that far along." As if I have no right to feel the way I do. I understand the confusion that those who haven't gone through such a thing have. I do. The baby didn't exist to the outside world. It could not be seen, and I was 6 weeks along so nobody but me and the hubby saw the physical changes that were taking place. I mean to say that I wasn't even showing. I understand that people may be more sympathetic if I had lost a person that could actually be seen without the help of fancy medical equipment.
I will never let anyone ever try to invalidate my feelings, and neither should any family who has suffered such a loss.
From the moment we found out we were pregnant, things changed. Obviously. We had baby brain all day, and all night. We talked babies. Child rearing techniques. We did some light baby shopping when something caught our eyes. And of course I was sewing tons of baby stuff. At work my mind was on my baby, when I cleaned the house I thought about our future, and when I slept...I'm sure you get the idea.
Women who miscarry not only mourn the loss of the child itself, but mourn the loss of their futures. What would have been had they not lost their baby. I had even fantasized about my baby all grown up as an adult. I had been living 18 years in my head in that short month, and a half. And I lived it over, and over again.
I counted the days until I was yet another week along. Fuck, I counted the minutes. Every minuted that had passed, I was a minute closer to my due date. But now almost 4 weeks later I have to remind myself to not count those minutes, and weeks, and months anymore. I will cry.
Yes life goes on for everybody. Husbands included. Studies show that women have a greater attachment to their unborn baby than their husbands, or boyfriends do. The moment of attachment for many men doesn't come until they see, and touch their child. This makes it much easier for the men in a woman's life to get back to normal after a miscarriage.
Many women hold a resentment for their men because of this. Is my hubby "over it". I don't know for sure, but I do know he fares much better than I do. I will never resent him for getting over it faster than me. I will envy him though. This also makes a woman who has had a miscarriage feel that much more lonely.
Life goes on for friends. Many do not know what to say. They fear upsetting a woman. They don't know how to bring it up. Many just don't understand. People who mourn the loss of a loved one are allowed to grieve. They can cry on the shoulders of their friends. They have funny stories they are allowed to share. But when the loss was something that could not be seen, or does not get a funeral, and headstone, many friends don't understand how to talk about the death. When the "I'm sorries" stop, it is a subject that many friends may not want to talk about. I will never resent a friend for not knowing what to say. Having not gone through it myself, I wouldn't have known what to say. However, this once again leaves a woman feeling isolated, and alone.
Mourning is a long, and complicated process which we all have to go through sooner or later. Usually there are people there to rally around the depressed, and hurt. But what happens to the one who is mourning a loss that many may not comprehend?
I live with the feeling of complete failure as a woman. I wonder everyday what I could have done differently. Should I have done that heavy lifting? Would I have lost it if I had known about my pregnancy sooner, and hadn't had all those tequila shots? Should I have rested more? The daily guilt is unbearable.
I write this post in the hopes of enlightening anyone who stumbles upon this who may not know how to support a friend in this situation. I write this post to let others know that the sadness of a miscarriage does not end when the bleeding stops, and the contractions have ended. (It may continue for some time, and often gets worse as time reaches the estimated due date.) I write this post to let other who have suffered a loss of any sort, that I understand.
Life goes on, but not like it used to.
I did not want to talk about it at first, it was too fresh. But as time creeps by, I feel differently. With so many women having to deal with a trauma that is not easily understood, I feel it is something that should be talked about. When the time is right. Sadly by the time a woman feels comfortable talking about her loss, many have seemingly forgotten.
In 1988 President Ronald Regan pronounced October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, October 15Th is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.
For more info click here
I know, I know I did the unthinkable, and linked to the notoriously inaccurate Wikipedia, but honestly all the sites devoted to Awareness Month, and Remembrance day were annoyingly pastel colored, with butterflies, and talked of angels, and such. I hardly find that comforting. I find it annoying.
A death is a death is a death, and all should be treated as such. Whether it can be seen or not, the grief is just as strong.
I planned on posting more about learning the basics on how to sew, but got sidetracked when the hubby, and I found out we made possibly the coolest thing without a pattern.
A baby.
*I have typed out many drafts for this blog on the subject, and deleted them because I can't for the life of me coherently tell the story*
Around week 6 (my midwife thinks) I miscarried.
I wish I could explain what happened, tell a story, tell my story, but like I said before, I can't figure out how.
What I do want to talk about is the aftermath. After the Dr. visits are over. The bleeding has stopped. The "congratulations" have all dried up. When you have to take a shower, and go to work again. When life goes on. For everybody else.
Almost 20 to 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, most of which occur in the first 12 weeks.
In the first 1-2 weeks there is a 75% chance of miscarriage. It is unlikely that the woman suffering a miscarriage this early will ever know she is pregnant. It may just appear to her to be a heavy period. There is a 10% chance of miscarriage in weeks 3-6 and this number drops to 5% during weeks 6-12.
In the U.S. there are 4.4 million confirmed miscarriages every year.
*While the stats can differ depending on where you're looking these seem to me to be the general stats.*
With statistics like these chances are likely that you my dear reader has either gone through one, or know someone who has.
If you find yourself saying "I don't know anyone who has miscarried." Please consider this.
Many women chose not to tell anyone of their pregnancy until they have cleared their 3rd month when the chances of miscarriage drop drastically to 3%. Often when a woman has not told anyone of their pregnancy, and have suffered a miscarriage, they will not tell anyone of their loss. Leaving her a victim of loneliness with nobody to talk to.
This is where the statistics end.
With the pregnancy over, a woman in the throws of a deep depression over the loss, is still feeling pregnant. Hormone levels drop slowly, but she still has symptoms for sometime. Cravings, morning sickness...which only exacerbate her grief. She has lost the life she carried, but still feels as if it's inside growing.
During that time if the woman has told people of her pregnancy, friends, and family will lend their support, and offer condolences. It is O.K. for a woman to cry, be sad, and not shower during that time.
I was lucky enough to have been allowed to take a week off work. I could not (and still can't) bear to see newborns, or pregnant women. I cannot stand to hear crying babies, and children right now, and since I work in hospitality, they seem to wander in in droves. My bosses were very understanding, but others not so much. And this is where I try to offer some kind of understanding to a reader who may not understand the loss of an unborn child.
I heard the comments. "She wasn't even that far along." As if I have no right to feel the way I do. I understand the confusion that those who haven't gone through such a thing have. I do. The baby didn't exist to the outside world. It could not be seen, and I was 6 weeks along so nobody but me and the hubby saw the physical changes that were taking place. I mean to say that I wasn't even showing. I understand that people may be more sympathetic if I had lost a person that could actually be seen without the help of fancy medical equipment.
I will never let anyone ever try to invalidate my feelings, and neither should any family who has suffered such a loss.
From the moment we found out we were pregnant, things changed. Obviously. We had baby brain all day, and all night. We talked babies. Child rearing techniques. We did some light baby shopping when something caught our eyes. And of course I was sewing tons of baby stuff. At work my mind was on my baby, when I cleaned the house I thought about our future, and when I slept...I'm sure you get the idea.
Women who miscarry not only mourn the loss of the child itself, but mourn the loss of their futures. What would have been had they not lost their baby. I had even fantasized about my baby all grown up as an adult. I had been living 18 years in my head in that short month, and a half. And I lived it over, and over again.
I counted the days until I was yet another week along. Fuck, I counted the minutes. Every minuted that had passed, I was a minute closer to my due date. But now almost 4 weeks later I have to remind myself to not count those minutes, and weeks, and months anymore. I will cry.
Yes life goes on for everybody. Husbands included. Studies show that women have a greater attachment to their unborn baby than their husbands, or boyfriends do. The moment of attachment for many men doesn't come until they see, and touch their child. This makes it much easier for the men in a woman's life to get back to normal after a miscarriage.
Many women hold a resentment for their men because of this. Is my hubby "over it". I don't know for sure, but I do know he fares much better than I do. I will never resent him for getting over it faster than me. I will envy him though. This also makes a woman who has had a miscarriage feel that much more lonely.
Life goes on for friends. Many do not know what to say. They fear upsetting a woman. They don't know how to bring it up. Many just don't understand. People who mourn the loss of a loved one are allowed to grieve. They can cry on the shoulders of their friends. They have funny stories they are allowed to share. But when the loss was something that could not be seen, or does not get a funeral, and headstone, many friends don't understand how to talk about the death. When the "I'm sorries" stop, it is a subject that many friends may not want to talk about. I will never resent a friend for not knowing what to say. Having not gone through it myself, I wouldn't have known what to say. However, this once again leaves a woman feeling isolated, and alone.
Mourning is a long, and complicated process which we all have to go through sooner or later. Usually there are people there to rally around the depressed, and hurt. But what happens to the one who is mourning a loss that many may not comprehend?
I live with the feeling of complete failure as a woman. I wonder everyday what I could have done differently. Should I have done that heavy lifting? Would I have lost it if I had known about my pregnancy sooner, and hadn't had all those tequila shots? Should I have rested more? The daily guilt is unbearable.
I write this post in the hopes of enlightening anyone who stumbles upon this who may not know how to support a friend in this situation. I write this post to let others know that the sadness of a miscarriage does not end when the bleeding stops, and the contractions have ended. (It may continue for some time, and often gets worse as time reaches the estimated due date.) I write this post to let other who have suffered a loss of any sort, that I understand.
Life goes on, but not like it used to.
I did not want to talk about it at first, it was too fresh. But as time creeps by, I feel differently. With so many women having to deal with a trauma that is not easily understood, I feel it is something that should be talked about. When the time is right. Sadly by the time a woman feels comfortable talking about her loss, many have seemingly forgotten.
In 1988 President Ronald Regan pronounced October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, October 15Th is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.
For more info click here
I know, I know I did the unthinkable, and linked to the notoriously inaccurate Wikipedia, but honestly all the sites devoted to Awareness Month, and Remembrance day were annoyingly pastel colored, with butterflies, and talked of angels, and such. I hardly find that comforting. I find it annoying.
A death is a death is a death, and all should be treated as such. Whether it can be seen or not, the grief is just as strong.
